Wednesday, February 13, 2008


Now see, this is how inventions are invented and wars are warred. Two people hear the same, identical words and get two totally opposite meanings from them

The way I understood the guy’s request for recipes? He wanted to get laid. (It has been pointed out to me that we are NEVER going to make Good Housekeeping’s Blog of the Month list if I don’t clean up my mouth. Next week. I promise.)

Simple as that…he needed recipes to impress. Without impressive skills. Well, honey, I am SOOOO good at this. (Ask my friend, Nameless. He’s 43 years old and his live-in girlfriend is 27. She’s Venezuelan with an MBA, hanging around this neck of the woods because she’s in luhve. Nameless has four kids and a grandkid by two ex-wives…and a wealthy, educated live-in hottie with jeans tucked into spiked heel, pointed toe boots. Trust me…this and a grill for steaks and you are IN.)

The Desperate Guy's Dinner for Getting Laid

*Salad
*Bread
*Fettucine
*Wine
*Chocolate

Your shopping list:
1 bag salad (that’s how it comes…in a bag. Read the label and get one that says it has everything…dressing, croutons, dried cranberries, whatever. It’s in there.)
1 bag/box/container grated Parmesan or Romano cheese (Bag is better)
1 package fettucine (it’s pasta, in with the spaghetti)
2 cups whipping cream
1 box (with four sticks in it) butter
1 loaf French bread (don’t buy the fat loaf…get one of the skinny special-looking ones)
1 bottle Chianti wine ($15 bottle. Preferably with the straw wrapping.)
1 bottle back-up wine, red and cheap. It won’t matter after the first bottle.
Something chocolate…the bakery has it.

Dump the salad in a bowl. Put the other stuff in the bag on top of the lettuce and put the bowl in the refrigerator. Set the table…plates, silverware, bread/salad plates. (Entire sets come in a box for $19.95.) Put a serving of the chocolate dessert on two plates and set them aside.

Open the wine. Let your date watch you and explain to her that if you open the bottle now, it will have time to breathe by the time the pasta is ready (call it pasta. Not noodles, pasta.). Pour some wine into each of your two matching glasses and leave them out on the counter, breathing. Fix her a drink of something else. The overkill thing.

Fill your big pot with water and set it over high heat. Turn your oven to 350. Put one stick of butter on a salad/bread plate and set it on the table.

Put one stick of butter in your other pot and turn the heat to medium. Let the butter melt, then pour in the two cups cream and stir. Let that mixture heat up over low heat, then sprinkle the Parmesan cheese (save a couple of tablespoons for the finished dish) into the butter/cream mixture. Stir it a lot so the cheese melts, then turn it down to very low and let it sit.

When the water boils, add the pasta and read the directions to see how long it needs to cook. Put the bread in the oven. When the pasta is done, drain off the water (best way you can) and then add the pasta to the butter/cream/Parmesan pot. Stir it up.

Take the bread out of the oven and wrap it in a clean dish towel. Take the salad out of the refrigerator. Bring the breathing wine to the table. Dish the pasta straight onto the plates, and sprinkle with the Parmesan cheese you saved.

You are in. Like Flynn. Or Bogey.

There really is a great simple recipe embedded in here…this is the ultimate alfredo. If you’re old and settled, you have a block of Romano on the table, with a vegetable peeler to make shavings. And I grate fresh nutmeg into the cream sauce. But then, the request wasn’t for old and settled. The way I understood it.

The Real Recipe for Fettucine Alfredo
12 ounces fettucine
1 stick butter
2 cups cream
1 cup grated Parmesan or Romano cheese
Freshly grated nutmeg

Melt the butter in a saucepan over low heat. Add the two cups of cream and after the cream is heated, add the grated cheese one-fourth cup at a time, stirring well as you sprinkle it over the cream. Let the cream sauce sit over very low heat while the pasta cooks, stirring occasionally. Right before the pasta is done, grate fresh nutmeg…just until you can detect the nutmeg odor…into the cream sauce. Pour the cream sauce into a deep bowl and add the cooked pasta. Fold to combine. Serve with extra cheese shavings.

2 comments:

City Girl said...

LOL. Good thing you said "clean" dishtowel. Heh-heh-heh.

You know he CLAIMED to want to cook for his kids every-other weekend, but your theory is much more plausible.

Comet Girl said...

I know the live-in. My Silver Fox trains her so she looks good in those tight jeans and spiked heels. You forgot the big hair. REALLY big hair.